19. ABSOLUTE VERY FIRST TIME...THE TUBE

The absolute very first time I watched the Tube was in November 1982. This particular month was a watershed for young people in Britain with Channel 4 (and the Comic Strip Presents) launching on Tues 2nd, The Young Ones on the 9th and The Tube sandwiched between on Bonfire Night. We’d already had the Falklands War, our fastest goal in the World Cup and the launch of the 20p piece (and, gasp, it wasn't round) earlier that year so a flurry of convention-defying firsts in November just seemed par for the course by then.

The Tube was a moment of revelation for all the teenagers in the country who had been weaned on a diet of Top of the Pops since they were old enough to press the on-off control on the TV set (there was nothing more ‘remote’ than that). It was the moment we realised that most of the bands on TV were miming to their songs, usually badly, and could actually be allowed to play live….though sometimes pretty badly too.

On TOTP, the audience looked as though they were barely interested in the music and had simply been rounded up from a local Sunday School meeting a few days before. The only ones who were dancing themselves silly and appeared to be enjoying themselves were 10 years older than the rest of the crowd and were paid to do so. The live audience at the Tube studio actually looked like they were there to watch the bands. Some of them even danced. For free. Sure, there was the odd tank top and bum-fluff moustache but, even allowing for these fashion faux pas, this was clearly an audience which looked far more likely to have previously attended a live gig than any of the rock concert virgins shuffling about and staring at the cameras on the set of TOTP (which was later described by Dame Janet Smith, in her report for the BBC, as a cesspit of sleaze, making it sound far more interesting than it really was).

In hindsight, TOTP was shite. It’s incredible that it brought in such high audience numbers which demonstrates just how few entertainment options young people had at the time. Don’t get me wrong, I loved it. I thought it was cutting edge stuff in the 70s but, to be fair, I only had Cheggers Plays Pop to compare it against. I never watched Old Grey Whistle Test because a) I honestly believed it was a show my grandad was supposed to watch because it had the word "old" in the title and b) it was on way past my bedtime.

If anyone’s been watching Guy Garvey’s nostalgic round-up of 70s/80s TV musical gold recently ("From the Vaults"), you’ll know that there were some fantastic regional music programmes which showcased live music and emerging talent in those days. I genuinely never knew about these until I saw his programme earlier this year because I was neither northerly nor southerly enough to be able to watch them. “Look East” was our regional programming and the rest of the title, “because there’s fuck all else to do here”, was both unsaid and understood.

But, watching TOTP on Thursday nights was essential viewing if you didn’t want to be a social outcast in the playground on a Friday morning. I’d been reasonably happy collecting skills badges at Cubs on a Monday night (the highlight of every meeting was sticking 3 fingers to my temple – Benny Hill-style – and swearing allegiance to Akela) but, when I graduated to Scouts and found out it was scheduled for Thursday evenings, I had no choice but to hand in my toggle and badges....well, not the Outdoor Challenge one obviously - it had taken me bloody ages to build that shelter out of twigs, grass and all the spit I could muster.

By the way, I got my first ever love bite from Caroline who lived just a few doors down from the scout hut. She wasn't Akela or anyone, she was my age and went to the girls' school. Just wanted to make that absolutely clear.

TOTP was typical of the BBC in the 70s and early 80s. It purported to be aimed at kids but was produced by old farts and made in the prevailing style of every other light entertainment programme at the time because BBC executives had no idea what young people wanted to watch (or, if they did, they decided it wasn’t good for them). Pans People and Legs & Co wouldn’t have looked out-of-place on the Val Doonican Show so why on earth were they on a yoof music programme? The BBC got them to dance to songs by T-Rex, David Bowie, Sex Pistols and the Clash. I’m not joking, I just watched them all on YouTube so you don't have to. That’s something I can never unsee. You're welcome.

As an aside, I re-watched some Porridge episodes recently (we’ve all had some time on our hands haven’t we) and those TOTP dancers remind me of a classic Ronnie Barker quote in the series when he tells the young Godber about “them dolly birds that dance on Top of the Pops. What are they called? Pan's People. There's one special one - beautiful Babs [pause] dunno her name though”. Ba-dum tish.

As opposed to the painfully scripted and choreographed lines on TOTP, you never quite knew what Jools and Paula would get up to on the Tube and it seemed pretty clear that they didn’t either. Unlike the Word, their later replacement which was knowingly anarchic and amateurishly inept, the Tube had a sense of natural confidence and genuine spontaneity.

It also played a role in some of the key cultural events of that era. Bob Geldof contacted Midge Ure on the set of the Tube to discuss the response to Michael Buerk’s footage of Ethiopia and, as a result, Band Aid was born. Slightly less significantly - but a minor cultural landmark nonetheless - Trevor Horn spotted an early Frankie Goes to Hollywood demo on the show (click here) and signed them up to his label. Mere weeks later, the whole nation was learning to relax when they wanted to come and Mike Read was drafting his complaint to the Radio One bosses who would spinelessly acquiesce to his request for a ban.....thereby propelling Relax to the top of the charts for a solid 5 week run as No.1.

The Tube came to an end when Jools proved he was Cool for Cats and cemented his place in the nation's hearts by telling viewers in a trailer for the show to "be there or be ungroovy fuckers". Unfortunately, the execs at C4 didn't find it quite as endearing as we did and the show was cancelled soon afterwards.

Many TOTP peer group presenters slagged off the Tube at the time ('smug, rubbish and smutty') so, nowadays, it’s interesting to see Jools officially recognised as a national treasure alongside Judi Dench and Stephen Fry whilst the likes of Andy Kershaw, Tony Blackburn, DLT and Jimmy Saville haven’t fared quite so well in the court of public opinion. Bunch of what? Yes, you're right....and very ungroovy ones too.

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Next: ABSOLUTE VERY FIRST TIME......HAPPY DAYS

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